5 Years

My Dearest Courtney,

5 years ago today I thought I wouldn’t even survive 5 minutes, let alone 5 years, without you. Courtney you were my world, my baby girl, my twin, my bestie, my person. Our relationship was everything I dreamed about when I first had you.

The pain in the beginning was unbearable. I could not picture having a life and you not being by my side. I talk to you every day, for 5 years, I have never missed a day. I hope you can hear me. I hope you know how much I love you. How much I miss you. How my life has changed forever.

I remember so vividly your bright green eyes, the freckles on your face, your contagious smile and infectious laugh. We were a team and we tackled anything that came our way together.

Your idea of supporting women in recovery with a purse to start their new life, has blossomed into something that I never could have imagined. Your idea gave me a purpose, gave me hope, allowed me to stay connected to you.

Not a day goes by that I don’t say your name. In my early stages of grief, I wrote about being that person. You know the one who dreads being asked if I have any children. Now I welcome that question and proudly brag about my daughter to everyone.

What I realized is that you are not gone. I haven’t lost you. You are with me every day! Because of you , I live my life being kind to others, being of service, being grateful.

I was blessed to have you by my side for 28 years and you continue to accompany me in spirit every day.

It’s mind-blowing what “we” have accomplished over the past 5 years. Over 5,200 purses and backpacks have been donated to graduates of rehab and those hitting milestone in their sobriety journey.

We have adopted 300 kids residing in sober living facilities and have furnished them with Back to School Backpacks, School Supplies, Diaper Bags, Infant Hygiene and holiday gift bags and toys.

We run a charity Boutique and sell purses and jewelry that has all been donated by caring individuals. I have met hundreds of people because of you and have touched thousands of lives. We received an enormous number of thank you letters, and everyone knows who Courtney is!

You have kept me sober too. 5 ½ years now. I am sure you could never picture me not drinking but NOT drinking has saved my life. I am committed to a life of sobriety and service…all because of you.

So, what does 5 years look like? I am proud of what we, you and I, have accomplished. My love for you dear Courtney has only grown stronger. I would not be who I am today if it wasn’t for you. Sure, I still cry. I still ache inside. I miss you more than words can express.

However, I count my blessings that you are such an important part of my existence.  So, whether it’s 5 minutes, 5 years, a day at a time, an hour at a time, I will always love you more than anything. I love you to heaven and back.

Love you now and forever,

Mom

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